Wednesday, April 1, 2009


It's totally one of those days. I totally just cried in my car in the parking garage and had to force myself to suck it up and actually walk into my office. All I want to do today is stay in bed, seriously. It's gray, it's cold, and I'm tired. I'm annoyed because I'm not PMSing, things are going relatively well in my life with work, my friends, and GTIAGO, and I have no idea where this is coming from.

Sometimes I just miss the stability and familiarity of being married, or maybe just of having a long-term relationship with a future. Dating is stressful and awkward sometimes. For example, GTIAGO had a crazy work schedule this week that resulted in us going to dinner last night, going up above Chataqua to look at an amazing view of Boulder, and then my going home while he went to work for a few hours. He came over between 2 and 5 am and we just slept, and then he went back to work. Awkward. I mean, there's just something easier about living together. You see each other more, you talk more, you know more of what's going on with each other. It's different than dating.

And speaking of living together, my lease is up July 31st and my roommate is likely moving in with her boyfriend at that point. Though there has been no formal discussion, multiple hints and "jokes" have been dropped regarding, what if GTIAGO are still dating then, would we move in together? If things are still going as amazing as they are right now? I feel like that's entirely too soon...but on the other hand, I also feel that if things are still like they are right now, why wouldn't we? So far I have TOTALLY deflected any serious discussion of this topic, but it's getting harder.

The clincher was last night. A friend of mine stayed at my house a few weeks ago after partying in Boulder because she lives in south Denver and didn't want to pay for a cab all the way back. I gave her my key, she slept in my bed and then I somehow misplaced the key. Well, cue to 2 am last night, after a week's worth of hints and joking about cohabitation. GTIAGO crawls into bed, snuggles up to me, and holds up THE KEY. "Hey, there's a key on my side of the bed, is this like, your cute surprise way of asking me to move in with you?"

Wow. Absolutely not. I think in a sleeping stupor I said something really bitchy and sarcastic like, "ummmmmmmmm NO." Obviously going to have to talk about this one at some point. Ack.

I guess I just miss going home after work and knowing someone will be there, being able to pick up the phone and call someone that I know will support me and listen to me. Of being able to plan for the future without wondering what the future will be, of knowing that someone's got your back and will be there for you and you don't "really" have to worry about whether or not this shit is going to work out.

Of course, then I think, did you have that over the last year? Not really. Nevertheless, I still want it. I still want someone to just be madly in love with me and to have that feeling of just "knowing" that we could work through anything.

I will say, as silly as it sounds, that I legitimately believed that we could have worked our problems out right up until the moment he handed me the divorce papers. I mean, I knew we had problems. I knew the "working stuff out" would be fucking hard, and time-consuming, and intense. Especially once we separated and I realized just how crazy everything had become. But I still really believed that if we both wanted to, if we both really tried, that we would make it through.

Obviously that's not what happened. And I am pretty shocked and pleased at where my life has gone since's less stressful, more "fun," if you will, and so far I appear to have a pretty rocking new relationship that I didn't necessarily expect. Surprises are good.

Sometimes I wonder if that's what's stressing me out, just that things are going so well with GTIAGO and he appears to be falling madly in love with me, yet I still really don't "know" that it will work. Or if I even want something so serious right now. Maybe wanting something serious isn't the problem - maybe it's just that I am too scared to believe again, this soon, that something serious might actually work. Despite all the evidence to the contrary.

He is so positive about this working. He's so excited with the concept of "never having felt this way before about anyone, ever." He's so convinced that it will work, that we'll be this happy and compatible forever, or something. He's so just freaking hopeful, and I have to admit, I am the opposite of hopeful these days when it comes to relationships. I am cynical. As great as this one is, for now (and it's great, I mean, sometimes I like, pinch myself because he's so many things I want, I can't hardly believe it's really happening), I still can't bring myself to just believe that it might work.

And yet that's still what I ultimately want. Is for something to work. I still believe it's possible, that there's someone out there that will "get" me, that I can live with and love and travel with and get old and you know, just live my life with. I'm not saying GTIAGO is that person...I don't know yet. My point is just that it's incredibly frustrating to know what I ultimately want, and yet not be able to open myself up to actually having it.


  1. Aw girl I know how you feel. You miss the idea of what you wanted the relationship to be not what it actually is. I get so stressed and want to call DB because he always would say the right things to make me feel better. Even though I knew he would never actually fix anything just hearing the words was the comfort I needed. I'd like to find someone that would actually follow through on those words...someday. And I am like you it will take me a long time to trust and the excitement would freak me the fuck out. Hang in girl...try not to think about the future too much and get the guy to realize things need to be slow. My opinion is do not move in with him but, that is just my opinion :)

  2. "that there's someone out there that will "get" me".... I am still looking for that. I think we all are. Mostly I know my husband appreciates me for who I am, but I don't know if he gets me completely.


Shine on, you crazy diamond.