Monday, April 13, 2009

Hoppy Easter

Weekend was decent. Left work a little early Friday, packed up my gear, dropped my dog off at my former roommate's house, picked up GTIAGO, and headed to Steamboat Friday evening. It was a great drive. The scenery on that route is just awesome.

Stopped in Silverthorne for food and checked into our hotel about 7. Made a run into town and spent the rest of the night drinking mead, visiting the hot tubs upstairs, you know, stuff like that. Slept in Saturday morning (because we can, I mean, what's the point of slopeside accommodations if not for that?) and spent the day alternately snowboarding and visiting the hotel room to add/remove clothing and/or grab beer. It alternately was sunny, whiteout-snow, and raining. It was hard to dress appropriately for that.

Went out for a really nice dinner that night (Italian) and had a bottle of wine. Had a brief moment of Skankojama texting drama but resolved it pretty quickly, and moved onto the hot tubs once again. Had an excellent breakfast at Creekside yesterday morning and got back just in time for Easter dinner with GTIAGO's family and family friends. I was all nervous but it was actually really, really fun, and the food was awesome.

Now I am tired and feeling really fat. Um, that's about it. Totally awesome weekend. How was your EASTER?!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Signed, Sealed, Delivered...

We finally all agree on terms and conditions for a separation agreement. By "we," I mean me, my ex, and his attorney. I swear to blog 90% of the delay in this divorce has been HER, and what she "thinks" is "reasonable" for us. Um, yeah, "us." Anyway.

Got the final version yesterday morning. For a moment I felt panicked. This is IT, you know. It passed quickly, I signed the papers and talked to my secretary about notarizing them. Notarized, scanned, and emailed to my ex's attorney within minutes.

Suddenly, everything looked different to me. I opened my cell phone, which has a picture of the beach on Kiawah Island as the wallpaper. That trip stands out in my mind because I was attracted to someone else at the time and my marriage was coll.apsing around me, and I had no idea how to stop it. I knew the other person wasn't the answer, yet my attempts to warn my husband of the dangerous and harmful direction the relationship was going were seemingly falling on deaf ears. I went with Tiny Panther, and spent a lot of time hanging out by myself and thinking. Coming the conclusion, ultimately, that this might not work, and we both might be happier away from one another. Realizing that it was highly likely he was just as miserable as I was.

When I looked at that picture today, it looked different. Suddenly I saw the marshy grasses and the sunset and the sand and the dunes and the ocean and the wet sand abutting the ocean for what they are, which is an incredibly beautiful and undisturbed part of the eastern seaboard. For the first time, that beach that I spent so many hours walking along wasn't cloudy and gloomy because of the sadness that tinged that trip for me - it was just the weather that day. That's all. That picture no longer held the symbolism or the reminders for me that it did just a few hours before.

The opportunities are limitless. Yes, I am sad that this didn't work out, but in retrospect, am somewhat shocked we held it together as long as we did.

It's a strange feeling to have nothing I am obligated to but myself. I haven't experienced that in almost eight years. It's a liberated feeling, for sure. There's so much potential all of a sudden...not that there wasn't potential in my marriage, but it's a different kind of potential, you know? GTIAGO could work out...that guy in the aviators I just passed coming into my office building could work out, LOL. I could move back to a ski town...I'm actually meeting with a former boss in Steamboat this weekend, though not (specifically) for that purpose. I could join the fucking Peace Corps! Start teaching yoga! Okay, you know what I mean. I don't have this weight anymore, of "not knowing" what might happen with the divorce. Now I just don't know what will happen with my life. Oddly, that's comforting.

I sat at my desk after I emailed the docs to my ex's attorney and wondered what I would do now. I thought about the refund I should be getting soon on my retainer from MY attorney, and all of the things I could do with it. I thought about the upcoming weekend and what perfect timing it is. I wondered if I am being a soulless bitch for keeping a (mostly) positive attitude throughout this process. I did have red hair when I was a kid...soulless gingerkid and all.

Then I decided, you are going to totally remember this day. You are going to totally remember the first person you texted after you signed (GTIAGO) and that you were chatting online with Leather when you received the email, signed the docs, and sent them back. You are going to remember telling her how nervous you were, and asking her to come to your office and hold your hand (joking!), and the someecard she sent you immediately afterwards about getting a wart removed from your ass that made you laugh so hard. How do you want to remember this day? Do you want to remember sitting at your desk, with your hands shaking? Or do you want to do something nice for yourself?

Hedonist that I am, I decided to take myself out to a nice lunch. I sent one final chat to Leather saying I was headed to Marlowe's and to text me if she wanted to meet up. I put some LMFAO on my iPod and put on my fake Coach sunglasses that GTIAGO bought me, and I made this beautiful day my bitch. I bopped down 16th to Marlowe's and ordered a sangria. Leather met me there a few minutes later, and we sat and talked and reveled in the sunshine and the men in suits.

And then I walked over to Victoria's Secret and dropped way too much cash on some lingerie and a tank top and a nightgown that I don't really need, but I want...ohhhhh, there's so many things I just want right now...

I have a feeling it's going to be a great weekend. If I can just slog through the next 26 hours...

Thursday, April 9, 2009

No Laughing Matter

We've gotten to where we can joke about things, sort of. Divorce is not a common topic to discuss with your new boyfriend because it's awkward and all.

Yet it still keeps popping up because it consumes so much of your time (revising settlement agreements, anyone?) and thought processes. Even when the emotional wounds have scarred over for the most part, there's just the simple matter of logistics. And planning. And crossing your fingers and hoping like hell you don't actually have to go to court. And the reality of the fact that I am, technically, still married. And many of our mutual friends are totally and completely aware of that fact. And not everyone is thrilled that we are dating under these circumstances.

We were sitting on his bed, talking about where to go for dinner and our plans for the weekend. Big plans, closing weekend at a faraway ski resort plans, first "real" weekend trip together plans. I mentioned that hey, my divorce might actually be final, and not that we planned the trip for that reason (no, that would be my procrastination in using my one-day pass at this particular resort) but why not pop some champagne or something, if it happened? To new beginnings and three day weekends and fresh powder and seemingly endless patience. Why not?

Laughing, he tells me that I've been saying that for a while now, and he's beginning to wonder if I am ever really getting divorced. This was definitely not one of those joking-but-not-joking things, either, because as some of you know, this has pretty much been the fastest and easiest divorce in the history of the universe.

I tell him (again, kidding) that I'm not really getting divorced. That we're really having an affair, that I'm leading him on, that in my free time, I hang out with my husband.

"I knew it!" He says. "The one night a week you aren't with me, you are still married, aren't you!"

"Totally." I say.

And we both laugh.

And then, he stops laughing.

He takes my hand, very seriously, and looks me right in the eyes.

"This will never happen to you again." he says.

My smile vanishes and I am confused. Did I hear that right? "What?" I ask him.

He never looks away from me, never lets go of my hand. "You will never have to go through this again."

Out of seemingly nowhere, my eyes fill with tears.

I squeeze his hand, but look away. "I hope not." The tears disappear as quickly as they came and I smile at him. A little.

He smiles back. "Trust me, it won't."

And I hope, hope, hope that he's right.

Regardless of how "he" works out, regardless of what happens this weekend, how the trip goes, whether my divorce is final, if I have to go to court...for that moment, he made me see so much potential in this situation.

Isn't it weird, the people you meet and the things they say? It always blows my mind when someone says exactly what you want to hear, what you need to hear before you lose your fucking mind.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Karma's a Bitch

I actually kind of believe in karma. I'm not Buddhist or anything, but I really do think everything happens for a reason and that you can learn and grow from every experience, even the bad ones. And that a lot of times the things that are happening to you in your life, especially the ones that make you say "WTF?!" are an attempt by the Universe (or God, or your soul, or wtf ever you believe in, if anything) to show you in some way that you have maybe not been as compassionate or understanding of someone else, and their life, and their experiences.

Imagine my surprise when I woke up Saturday morning to a text - a very, very dirty text - from 4 am the night before. I'm not going to say who it was from or anything else about it except that I can't repeat what it said, and I haven't talked to the person who sent it since before I met GTIAGO. Since New Year's Eve, in fact.

I told GTIAGO. I mean, he's been totally straightforward about Skankojama, so I figure I had to be.

It was totally karma biting me in the ass, showing me the subtle nuances of unattached banging. Because this guy was very much to me what Skankojama was to GTIAGO, I am pretty sure. Of course, I didn't carry on with him for a YEAR (who does that, anyway?! still blows my mind). I had met him while I was still married (nothing happened then) and he seemed like a good choice for a quiet, low key, down and dirty interaction. We had one sort of mutual friend that wasn't even really HIS friend, more of a friend of a friend. We were NOT in a relationship and neither of us even remotely WANTED to be in a relationship at the time, or possibly with one another, at all. He's incredibly good looking, but also incredibly narcissistic and selfish and focused on his career. We went out a few times and went snowboarding once and then I kind of made an ass out of myself on New Year's Eve and took his number out of my phone. And met GTIAGO a week or so later and never talked to this dude again.

Not that I couldn't. He's my facebook friend (again with the facebook! ack!) and if I really wanted to see him, I probably could.

So that was a fun convo. All the hardass positions I had been taking with GTIAGO suddenly came back on me. Do I really need to call him and explicitly tell him he can't text me, that I have a boyfriend? Can't I just ignore it and hope he doesn't text me again? If he DOES text me again, but it's not sexual, can we be "friends" on some level? Does GTIAGO want to go have a beer with him sometime (that was mostly sarcasm)? And I heard myself saying the words..."you don't know the details of the situation or our relationship..." that so infuriated me when GTIAGO said them to me...nice. And then there's a teensy, tiny part of me that tells me I don't want to be rude or totally burn that bridge. Because, after all, things might not work out with GTIAGO. And this guy does have the most amazing green eyes...

And then I wonder if GTIAGO is thinking the same thing about Skankojama. Karma's a bitch. And then you die.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Now I Am Starting To Feel Like I Am Twelve...

Weekend was awesome, surprise birthday party for my old roommate on Friday night and some bars afterwards, snowboarding on 21 inches of new powder on Saturday (I've started hitting the terrain park, OHMIFRIKKINGAH who ever thought I would see the day), dinner with GTIAGO's parents on Sunday night...blah blah blah.

So, I should just pretty much start a blog about the weird, random, funny, or otherwise annoying shit that happens with facebook. I am seriously thisclose to just deleting my account and being done with it.

Skankojama (that's what I am calling GTIAGO's former banging partner) hasn't been calling at 4 am, right, since he told her not to. Cool. She has, however, called a few times inviting "us both" to do things, claiming she wants to meet me, that we can all be friends even though they aren't banging anymore. Despite the fact that I really don't *need* anymore friends, I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Despite having um, literally BEEN her in the past, and having a gut feeling that her motive lies more in getting (any) attention from GTIAGO than in being "friends" with me, I still have tried to roll with this situation. Because jealousy is stupid and doesn't get you anywhere, and it's not really my style anyway. I am way too hot and cool to worry about this, right?

So, when we woke up on Sunday morning and she had called the night before to invite "us" to a concert this coming weekend, I asked GTIAGO if I could just contact her. You know, email her or something, offer to have us all grab a beer sometime, whatever. I'm trying to be all chill about this, right. He's been totally stressing over it, because she obviously isn't catching onto the "stop calling me" thing he's called her twice now to tell her. He was contemplating blocking her number via T-mobile, for blog's sake! Lame. Plus it kinda makes me look like a crazy girlfriend, you know, if he starts taking drastic measures like that. Like I maybe told him to do something like that, which I never would. I mean, drama, drama, drama. Don't need it. Let's just embrace the psychopath and move on, shall we?

So I facebooked her. I mean, not as though I have her number, and besides, wouldn't THAT be an awkward phone call? We have mutual friends so I sent her a friend request and a message that literally said the following:

"Hey Skankojama! (okay, of course I called her by her actual name there) I'm GTIAGO's girlfriend and he said he didn't mind if I like, contacted you. So, I heard your message about the concert and it sounds cool, you should send me some details and maybe we can all meet up. Otherwise we should all grab a beer or something sometime! Hope you got to keep your 303 number, LOL."

That last part was in reference to her status, which was about how she had broken her cell phone and was worried about losing her 303 area code phone number.

Anyway. Trying to be cool, nonjealous chick here.

She rejected my friend request! The nerve!

And, this is what she sent me back:

"The concert might be lame but I need a support team.

I hate it when old friends go MIA because they get a girlfriend. Give GTIAGO my love and thanks for friending me."

Is that even remotely a normal response? Give GTIAGO my love? Um, I'll get right on that one, skank. Notice she didn't take me up on my beer offer. Or give me any real information about the concert she wants "us" to go to so badly. Um, yeah, it totally seems like she's just DYING to meet me and for us all to hang out. Which is what she's been telling GTIAGO for the last few weeks.

Lame. I feel like I made my effort to be nice about this and got back catty bullshit. So, I am absolved from any further responsibility to be cool about this, right? I mean, I can just ignore it from now on, and then shank her if we are all hanging out together and she makes some kind of move on him? Right?

At least it's crystal clear that what I have been saying this entire time - that she really has no legitimate interest in being friends with ME - is true. She won't even be my facebook friend (sob, sniff)!

Whatev. Guess who got invited to Easter Dinner by GTIAGO's parents? And guess who got invited despite the fact that he finally came clean and told them last week that I am, technically, still married? Yeah, bitches. Not Skankojama.

Speaking of married, I (finally) got a revised settlement agreement back yesterday from Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband's attorney, and sent some revisions back to HER last night. Being an attorney getting divorced is super fun, let me tell you. Hopefully she can get to those today and we can get this shit filed and done with. We have a court date set on Monday the 13th and if we can get it settled before then, we don't actually have to show up, which would be SIIIIIIICK.

Nothing like procrastination.

Work is kicking my ass. Sorry for the lack of blogging. I don't have anything very cool going on right now...obviously...facebook drama and snowboarding. That, and work, and revising my own divorce documents, is kind of all that I've been up to...

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


It's totally one of those days. I totally just cried in my car in the parking garage and had to force myself to suck it up and actually walk into my office. All I want to do today is stay in bed, seriously. It's gray, it's cold, and I'm tired. I'm annoyed because I'm not PMSing, things are going relatively well in my life with work, my friends, and GTIAGO, and I have no idea where this is coming from.

Sometimes I just miss the stability and familiarity of being married, or maybe just of having a long-term relationship with a future. Dating is stressful and awkward sometimes. For example, GTIAGO had a crazy work schedule this week that resulted in us going to dinner last night, going up above Chataqua to look at an amazing view of Boulder, and then my going home while he went to work for a few hours. He came over between 2 and 5 am and we just slept, and then he went back to work. Awkward. I mean, there's just something easier about living together. You see each other more, you talk more, you know more of what's going on with each other. It's different than dating.

And speaking of living together, my lease is up July 31st and my roommate is likely moving in with her boyfriend at that point. Though there has been no formal discussion, multiple hints and "jokes" have been dropped regarding, what if GTIAGO are still dating then, would we move in together? If things are still going as amazing as they are right now? I feel like that's entirely too soon...but on the other hand, I also feel that if things are still like they are right now, why wouldn't we? So far I have TOTALLY deflected any serious discussion of this topic, but it's getting harder.

The clincher was last night. A friend of mine stayed at my house a few weeks ago after partying in Boulder because she lives in south Denver and didn't want to pay for a cab all the way back. I gave her my key, she slept in my bed and then I somehow misplaced the key. Well, cue to 2 am last night, after a week's worth of hints and joking about cohabitation. GTIAGO crawls into bed, snuggles up to me, and holds up THE KEY. "Hey, there's a key on my side of the bed, is this like, your cute surprise way of asking me to move in with you?"

Wow. Absolutely not. I think in a sleeping stupor I said something really bitchy and sarcastic like, "ummmmmmmmm NO." Obviously going to have to talk about this one at some point. Ack.

I guess I just miss going home after work and knowing someone will be there, being able to pick up the phone and call someone that I know will support me and listen to me. Of being able to plan for the future without wondering what the future will be, of knowing that someone's got your back and will be there for you and you don't "really" have to worry about whether or not this shit is going to work out.

Of course, then I think, did you have that over the last year? Not really. Nevertheless, I still want it. I still want someone to just be madly in love with me and to have that feeling of just "knowing" that we could work through anything.

I will say, as silly as it sounds, that I legitimately believed that we could have worked our problems out right up until the moment he handed me the divorce papers. I mean, I knew we had problems. I knew the "working stuff out" would be fucking hard, and time-consuming, and intense. Especially once we separated and I realized just how crazy everything had become. But I still really believed that if we both wanted to, if we both really tried, that we would make it through.

Obviously that's not what happened. And I am pretty shocked and pleased at where my life has gone since's less stressful, more "fun," if you will, and so far I appear to have a pretty rocking new relationship that I didn't necessarily expect. Surprises are good.

Sometimes I wonder if that's what's stressing me out, just that things are going so well with GTIAGO and he appears to be falling madly in love with me, yet I still really don't "know" that it will work. Or if I even want something so serious right now. Maybe wanting something serious isn't the problem - maybe it's just that I am too scared to believe again, this soon, that something serious might actually work. Despite all the evidence to the contrary.

He is so positive about this working. He's so excited with the concept of "never having felt this way before about anyone, ever." He's so convinced that it will work, that we'll be this happy and compatible forever, or something. He's so just freaking hopeful, and I have to admit, I am the opposite of hopeful these days when it comes to relationships. I am cynical. As great as this one is, for now (and it's great, I mean, sometimes I like, pinch myself because he's so many things I want, I can't hardly believe it's really happening), I still can't bring myself to just believe that it might work.

And yet that's still what I ultimately want. Is for something to work. I still believe it's possible, that there's someone out there that will "get" me, that I can live with and love and travel with and get old and you know, just live my life with. I'm not saying GTIAGO is that person...I don't know yet. My point is just that it's incredibly frustrating to know what I ultimately want, and yet not be able to open myself up to actually having it.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Why Facebook Can Bite Me

Okay, so, my settlement agreement seems like it is getting better, the yeast infection is gone, and the snow has (mostly) melted. Onward!

I blogged some on my old blog about how annoying facebook is for dating. Here is the FB story to end all FB stories.

So, GTIAGO was banging some 22-year-old for the last year, pretty much right up until he met me. The story *I* got (because we all know there are multiple versions of every story, right?) was that they had been "friends" for four years and then randomly started having sex about a year ago. He said she was a total pill popper/partier and they never dated, but would just hook up on occasion. He also said they had an "agreement" that if either of them met someone and started dating them, their little "arrangement" would immediately end.

Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I mean, I've done exactly what I just described. It's been a while, but I've definitely done it. Not for a freaking year, but then again, I have a short attention span. Anyway.

Cue to January, he meets me and we start hanging out a lot. We weren't serious then, I mean, I was totally dating someone else at the time. Several someone elses. So I didn't really worry too much about you know, whatever he had going on. At the end of January or so we decided we were only going to date each other, blah blah.

Then the phone calls started. At 4:00 am. And in my experience, you aren't calling at 4:00 am because you want to borrow a cup of sugar. Also in my experience, you aren't still awake and ready to go at 4:00 am without some chemical assistance.

And the texting! Ohhhhhh, the texting. You can only hear a text tone and watch someone look at their phone and laugh so many times before you have to ask, WTF is going on? And that's exactly what I did. He explained the situation to me and said he had just stopped calling her or answering her calls when we started hanging out. Um, a month ago. So she's still calling you because...obviously she's a psycho. But aside from that, you need to grow a pair and just call the biatch up and tell her you have a motherfucking girlfriend. Right?

So, he does. He calls her up, tells her he has a girlfriend, she can't call any more. She says okay. Then she texts him a few more times here and there (a random Friday night, also on St. Patrick's day) to see if he is going out to the bars. There was also one that said "you never come out anymore, you're so lame since you got a girlfriend." Classy.

Anyway, there were only a few texts from her and he didn't respond to any of them, so I'm still like, whatever. I figure eventually girls like that will just make an ass out of themselves and/or get over it and move on to pimp themselves out to someone else.

I was wrong. Next thing I know, she's friending him on facebook. Okay, whatever. I did have a momentary meltdown when that happened, but mostly kept my cool. I mean, I'm friends with guys I've banged on facebook. It happens. (And is a good reason NOT to friend people you date). So what? They're FB friends. I'm not in junior high. I'm not going to be neurotic about that.

Then shit starts showing up in my feed. First it's a comment on a picture he has up of this time that his car got booted. Her comment was lame, obviously she was there when the boot was put on, they were together, whatever, it was a freaking year ago, who gives a shit. I really wish I didn't even know this girl existed, but I'm still trying to be cool about this and all. I just really hate junior high drama bullshit.

The next comment she made was on a picture he had taken of her when she was getting up off a couch. In a minidress that showed most of both ass cheeks. That was so low cut in the back you could see most of her leopard-print bra. Think about that one. Getting. Up. Off. Of. A. Couch. In. A. Miniskirt. And the comment was definitely a subtle "hey remember how we banged" reference.

I don't want this shit in my feed. And on top of that, she's calling him (twice!) and texting him (twice!) at 4 in the morning on Saturday night. Get a clue, bitch.

I broke it down like this - dude, I have some serious baggage and I am not bringing ANY drama to your life, so keep yours out of mine. Deal with your shit. Obviously she didn't get the memo re: you're dating someone now, and obviously she didn't really mean it when she agreed to end your little thing when/if you started dating someone. Call her up and tell her you are in an actual serious relationship and she can't call you anymore, period. And while you're at it, please delete any skanky ass pictures of her you have up on your page. And don't call me until that shit's done.

So, he called her. She agreed not to make any more drunken coked-out 4 am phone calls, and he deleted his entire facebook account.

Priceless. And (hopefully) the final reason why facebook can bite me. I say final because I am hoping like hell I don't have to deal with anymore facebook drama now.

I am way too old for this. Really.