Friday, April 10, 2009

Signed, Sealed, Delivered...

We finally all agree on terms and conditions for a separation agreement. By "we," I mean me, my ex, and his attorney. I swear to blog 90% of the delay in this divorce has been HER, and what she "thinks" is "reasonable" for us. Um, yeah, "us." Anyway.

Got the final version yesterday morning. For a moment I felt panicked. This is IT, you know. It passed quickly, I signed the papers and talked to my secretary about notarizing them. Notarized, scanned, and emailed to my ex's attorney within minutes.

Suddenly, everything looked different to me. I opened my cell phone, which has a picture of the beach on Kiawah Island as the wallpaper. That trip stands out in my mind because I was attracted to someone else at the time and my marriage was coll.apsing around me, and I had no idea how to stop it. I knew the other person wasn't the answer, yet my attempts to warn my husband of the dangerous and harmful direction the relationship was going were seemingly falling on deaf ears. I went with Tiny Panther, and spent a lot of time hanging out by myself and thinking. Coming the conclusion, ultimately, that this might not work, and we both might be happier away from one another. Realizing that it was highly likely he was just as miserable as I was.

When I looked at that picture today, it looked different. Suddenly I saw the marshy grasses and the sunset and the sand and the dunes and the ocean and the wet sand abutting the ocean for what they are, which is an incredibly beautiful and undisturbed part of the eastern seaboard. For the first time, that beach that I spent so many hours walking along wasn't cloudy and gloomy because of the sadness that tinged that trip for me - it was just the weather that day. That's all. That picture no longer held the symbolism or the reminders for me that it did just a few hours before.

The opportunities are limitless. Yes, I am sad that this didn't work out, but in retrospect, am somewhat shocked we held it together as long as we did.

It's a strange feeling to have nothing I am obligated to but myself. I haven't experienced that in almost eight years. It's a liberated feeling, for sure. There's so much potential all of a sudden...not that there wasn't potential in my marriage, but it's a different kind of potential, you know? GTIAGO could work out...that guy in the aviators I just passed coming into my office building could work out, LOL. I could move back to a ski town...I'm actually meeting with a former boss in Steamboat this weekend, though not (specifically) for that purpose. I could join the fucking Peace Corps! Start teaching yoga! Okay, you know what I mean. I don't have this weight anymore, of "not knowing" what might happen with the divorce. Now I just don't know what will happen with my life. Oddly, that's comforting.

I sat at my desk after I emailed the docs to my ex's attorney and wondered what I would do now. I thought about the refund I should be getting soon on my retainer from MY attorney, and all of the things I could do with it. I thought about the upcoming weekend and what perfect timing it is. I wondered if I am being a soulless bitch for keeping a (mostly) positive attitude throughout this process. I did have red hair when I was a kid...soulless gingerkid and all.

Then I decided, you are going to totally remember this day. You are going to totally remember the first person you texted after you signed (GTIAGO) and that you were chatting online with Leather when you received the email, signed the docs, and sent them back. You are going to remember telling her how nervous you were, and asking her to come to your office and hold your hand (joking!), and the someecard she sent you immediately afterwards about getting a wart removed from your ass that made you laugh so hard. How do you want to remember this day? Do you want to remember sitting at your desk, with your hands shaking? Or do you want to do something nice for yourself?

Hedonist that I am, I decided to take myself out to a nice lunch. I sent one final chat to Leather saying I was headed to Marlowe's and to text me if she wanted to meet up. I put some LMFAO on my iPod and put on my fake Coach sunglasses that GTIAGO bought me, and I made this beautiful day my bitch. I bopped down 16th to Marlowe's and ordered a sangria. Leather met me there a few minutes later, and we sat and talked and reveled in the sunshine and the men in suits.

And then I walked over to Victoria's Secret and dropped way too much cash on some lingerie and a tank top and a nightgown that I don't really need, but I want...ohhhhh, there's so many things I just want right now...

I have a feeling it's going to be a great weekend. If I can just slog through the next 26 hours...


  1. Congrats to you. Have a terrific weekend!

  2. Congratulations! Enjoy your weekend, and all of the beauty that will surround it! I wish I could have met you for that Sangria. Maybe I need an assignment in Denver after all. ;)

  3. "It's a strange feeling to have nothing I am obligated to but myself. I haven't experienced that in almost eight years."

    I'll be honest. I haven't ever felt that. And I am totally envious (of the feeling). Go make this year your bitch too.

  4. Word Lisa. I am envious of you too but, happy. You are so lucky to have not had kids with him because they never fucking go away lol. Congrats on moving on with your life and taking time to notice the moment.


Shine on, you crazy diamond.