Signed, Sealed, Delivered...

We finally all agree on terms and conditions for a separation agreement. By "we," I mean me, my ex, and his attorney. I swear to blog 90% of the delay in this divorce has been HER, and what she "thinks" is "reasonable" for us. Um, yeah, "us." Anyway.

Got the final version yesterday morning. For a moment I felt panicked. This is IT, you know. It passed quickly, I signed the papers and talked to my secretary about notarizing them. Notarized, scanned, and emailed to my ex's attorney within minutes.

Suddenly, everything looked different to me. I opened my cell phone, which has a picture of the beach on Kiawah Island as the wallpaper. That trip stands out in my mind because I was attracted to someone else at the time and my marriage was tot.ally coll.apsing around me, and I had no idea how to stop it. I knew the other person wasn't the answer, yet my attempts to warn my husband of the dangerous and harmful direction the relationship was going were seemingly falling on deaf ears. I went with Tiny Panther, and spent a lot of time hanging out by myself and thinking. Coming the conclusion, ultimately, that this might not work, and we both might be happier away from one another. Realizing that it was highly likely he was just as miserable as I was.

When I looked at that picture today, it looked different. Suddenly I saw the marshy grasses and the sunset and the sand and the dunes and the ocean and the wet sand abutting the ocean for what they are, which is an incredibly beautiful and undisturbed part of the eastern seaboard. For the first time, that beach that I spent so many hours walking along wasn't cloudy and gloomy because of the sadness that tinged that trip for me - it was just the weather that day. That's all. That picture no longer held the symbolism or the reminders for me that it did just a few hours before.

The opportunities are limitless. Yes, I am sad that this didn't work out, but in retrospect, am somewhat shocked we held it together as long as we did.

It's a strange feeling to have nothing I am obligated to but myself. I haven't experienced that in almost eight years. It's a liberated feeling, for sure. There's so much potential all of a sudden...not that there wasn't potential in my marriage, but it's a different kind of potential, you know? GTIAGO could work out...that guy in the aviators I just passed coming into my office building could work out, LOL. I could move back to a ski town...I'm actually meeting with a former boss in Steamboat this weekend, though not (specifically) for that purpose. I could join the fucking Peace Corps! Start teaching yoga! Okay, you know what I mean. I don't have this weight anymore, of "not knowing" what might happen with the divorce. Now I just don't know what will happen with my life. Oddly, that's comforting.

I sat at my desk after I emailed the docs to my ex's attorney and wondered what I would do now. I thought about the refund I should be getting soon on my retainer from MY attorney, and all of the things I could do with it. I thought about the upcoming weekend and what perfect timing it is. I wondered if I am being a soulless bitch for keeping a (mostly) positive attitude throughout this process. I did have red hair when I was a kid...soulless gingerkid and all.

Then I decided, you are going to totally remember this day. You are going to totally remember the first person you texted after you signed (GTIAGO) and that you were chatting online with Leather when you received the email, signed the docs, and sent them back. You are going to remember telling her how nervous you were, and asking her to come to your office and hold your hand (joking!), and the someecard she sent you immediately afterwards about getting a wart removed from your ass that made you laugh so hard. How do you want to remember this day? Do you want to remember sitting at your desk, with your hands shaking? Or do you want to do something nice for yourself?

Hedonist that I am, I decided to take myself out to a nice lunch. I sent one final chat to Leather saying I was headed to Marlowe's and to text me if she wanted to meet up. I put some LMFAO on my iPod and put on my fake Coach sunglasses that GTIAGO bought me, and I made this beautiful day my bitch. I bopped down 16th to Marlowe's and ordered a sangria. Leather met me there a few minutes later, and we sat and talked and reveled in the sunshine and the men in suits.

And then I walked over to Victoria's Secret and dropped way too much cash on some lingerie and a tank top and a nightgown that I don't really need, but I want...ohhhhh, there's so many things I just want right now...

I have a feeling it's going to be a great weekend. If I can just slog through the next 26 hours...

Nice...

My boss talked to me about my January billing (um, it was really bad) and was really nice about it, but I am trying to bust my ass lately, hence the lack of blogging.

It's blizzarding outside. No, really. I got a shitty settlement agreement this week that I will not be signing anytime soon.

I was on three different antibiotics back in January when I was on the verge of Darth Vader death, and have had a stupid yeast infection ever since. I think it's gone, and it reappears. I took advantage of the fact that I am working from home today to go to the doctor about it for the fourth time, only to find out it's DIFLUCAN-RESISTANT YEAST! WTF. I didn't even know there was such a thing. At least I didn't pick up chlamydia or something from GTIAGO.

Things with him are going well, we even had a semi-serious "where-is-this-going-want-to-have-my-babies" talk the other day. Random. But it went well. We're still both trying to be chill and just see what happens.

I have to sign my shitty settlement agreement before I can even think about that kind of thing, anyway. Right?

Getting By

One of the funny things about getting divorced is how clear it was, to everyone around you, that it was happening. Despite your best efforts to keep shit on the DL, it seems to me now that most of my friends have come forward to tell me they saw it coming from miles away. That I disappeared off the face of the earth for 3-6 months, depending on which friend you were (i.e. long-distance acquaintances got the axe first...then couple friends...then my BFF's....and finally, even my family stopped getting their phone calls and emails returned), that we weren't invited to certain events because the tension was just too palpable when we attended functions together.

The most telling sign of all, to me, came the other day when I was looking for a phone number in my call log to my cell phone. Now, those of you that know me know I am TIED to my phone. It's my planner, my way to check my email and facebook when I am out and about, my way to feed my texting addiction. I plan probably 90% of my life via texting. As I was scrolling through the call log, I noticed something odd. Under "received calls" there is a huge gap between November 13th and December 29th. I didn't "receive" a single cell phone call during that time period.

Now, we all KNOW that doesn't mean that no one called me. And it doesn't mean I didn't call anyone, either. What it means is that I didn't pick up my phone one single time when it rang for over a month. Just. Too. Much. Effort.

I look back on November and December and see myself about as tightly strung as I have ever been in my life. And I tend to be a slightly high-strung person. I look back and see myself, arms out to my sides, holding redropes and legal pads and gallons of coffee and wine and random singular cigarettes, in my skinny jeans that were falling off my hips at the time, grinning and tense on a never-ending tightrope. And if you look up close, the grin is really me gritting my teeth. I couldn't even look at what was on either side of me, or I'd drop the whole fucking mess. I didn't even KNOW at the time I was on that tightrope, ready to fall at any second. I think my dog is down below running around somewhere, and my dad (who I talked to the other day for the first time since December!) and um, maybe something like self-interest.

The interesting thing is that I don't feel regret for missing out on that time...I mean, I have always kind of looked at life as you know, you've gotta do what you gotta do to keep your shit together. One of the few nonjudgmental things I took away from a dysfunctional family environment, I guess. Because that's what I saw.

Instead, I feel excitement for say, a month from now. Because I can look back on November and December and palpably feel how much things have changed. How much calmer I am, how much more I am getting done at work, how much more involved I am in the lives of my friends and family. How much more positive my attitude is and how much more open I am to possibility.

And I wonder what I will think when I look back on now. You know, later. Because sometimes NOW seems so amazing I can't really imagine that it can get just a ton better. Then I think, but NOW is better than THEN, so it's still possible.

This weekend was amazing and so much fun. I will post details later but I basically did nothing demanding or trying whatsoever. Friday I worked kind of late then went over to GTIAGO's house and we went out to dinner, then chilled at his house with some friends. He and his brother are hosting this mondo annual theme party thing this next weekend (there's teams and competitions and they actually hire "beer girls" for this thing) so there were a ton of people around planning/talking about that. Boys! So silly. Saturday we literally spent all day in downtown Denver partaking in the St. Patrick's day parade and after-festivities...bar hopping, eating and drinking way too much, and finally getting on the bus back to Boulder at 10. Sunday we vegged, went out to breakfast, then went to dinner at GTIAGO's parents house with his brother and HIS um, girl that he's dating or something. I dunno, she lives in another state and they aren't exclusive or anything but she's here for a week. It's kind of odd.

Like I said, deets later. But super chill weekend for me. How was yours?

One of Those Days

Yesterday was just one of those days. I was bored with my project at work and realizing it was going to take a lot more time than I initially thought. Another attorney that I desperately need information from was not returning my phone calls, and GTIAGO hadn't texted me yet to make plans like he does on 99% of Tuesdays since we started dating. Then my ex's attorney's secretary calls me to clear dates for mediation.

Um, we agreed over a month ago that we weren't going to do mediation. That she was going to draft a settlement agreement, run it by him, and then send it to me so we could get settlement negotiations started. WTF has she been doing for the last month? And furthermore, since when is it appropriate to call someone up and ask for dates for mediation without at least notifying them that, um, you've decided to mediate? She wouldn't do that to another attorney...and she shoudln't do it to me, just because I am representing myself right now, either. I was feeling pretty frustrated with the situation until I called my ex and he said he had no idea what was going on either. Then I just felt sorry for him. I mean, as annoyed as I was, HE'S HER CLIENT. He is paying her to do this for him. That just blows.

So, I was all excited to potentially have this wrapped up by the end of March, which is the earliest a judge can enter a divorce decree under the statute. Or at the latest by mid-April, when we have a court date set that neither of us are particularly interested in showing up for. March is looking highly unlikely at this point, unless she can pull something together and get it to me mid-next week. Given her past abilities to do stuff in a timely fashion, or even to know what the hell is going on in her own case, I'm not holding my breath.

I want this done. I want this done so I can get on with my life. Yes, I know it's going to suck to see that piece of paper that once and for all tells me it's over, but I want my life back. I want my name back. I want that piece of paper that finally tells me my old self is back, that I can call GTIAGO my "boyfriend" and sign my maiden name to stuff and not have to worry any more about whether I should still be putting forth effort to "fix" everything that went wrong in my marriage.

And I was pissed that someone I don't even know, let alone like, is able to make this so much harder for me and for my ex, too. Fucking attorneys.

Major sarcasm there, obviously.

GTIAGO finally texts me and we make dinner plans. I'm so stoked to be done with my day, sitting on the bus, knowing I am going to go jogging and then spend the evening with pleasant company.

Then my landlord calls. She has an official complaint from the HOA about my dog barking during the day while I am at work. Great. I tell her I will replace the batteries in his bark collar and try to keep him inside on days I know I will be leaving work for sure at 5. I don't know what else to do. I know he's just bored since my ex took our other dog.

I was so relieved to see GTIAGO and just be able to talk to him and know we were going to cook an amazing dinner and have a great night. As I am telling him, you know, I am glad to see him, today was rough, just ONE OF THOSE DAYS, you know...I pull my wallet out of my purse. It's upside down and all of my shit - change, business cards, stamps, a pic of ME AND MY EX - falls out onto the coffee table.

At that point, he looked at me very seriously and said, "just one of those days, huh?" And all I could do was laugh. Seriously? I mean, could one more thing please just irk me?

I'm sure it didn't help that I was majorly PMSing. I'm going back on birth control starting, um, yesterday, so hopefully that will help.

Gah.