Getting By

One of the funny things about getting divorced is how clear it was, to everyone around you, that it was happening. Despite your best efforts to keep shit on the DL, it seems to me now that most of my friends have come forward to tell me they saw it coming from miles away. That I disappeared off the face of the earth for 3-6 months, depending on which friend you were (i.e. long-distance acquaintances got the axe first...then couple friends...then my BFF's....and finally, even my family stopped getting their phone calls and emails returned), that we weren't invited to certain events because the tension was just too palpable when we attended functions together.

The most telling sign of all, to me, came the other day when I was looking for a phone number in my call log to my cell phone. Now, those of you that know me know I am TIED to my phone. It's my planner, my way to check my email and facebook when I am out and about, my way to feed my texting addiction. I plan probably 90% of my life via texting. As I was scrolling through the call log, I noticed something odd. Under "received calls" there is a huge gap between November 13th and December 29th. I didn't "receive" a single cell phone call during that time period.

Now, we all KNOW that doesn't mean that no one called me. And it doesn't mean I didn't call anyone, either. What it means is that I didn't pick up my phone one single time when it rang for over a month. Just. Too. Much. Effort.

I look back on November and December and see myself about as tightly strung as I have ever been in my life. And I tend to be a slightly high-strung person. I look back and see myself, arms out to my sides, holding redropes and legal pads and gallons of coffee and wine and random singular cigarettes, in my skinny jeans that were falling off my hips at the time, grinning and tense on a never-ending tightrope. And if you look up close, the grin is really me gritting my teeth. I couldn't even look at what was on either side of me, or I'd drop the whole fucking mess. I didn't even KNOW at the time I was on that tightrope, ready to fall at any second. I think my dog is down below running around somewhere, and my dad (who I talked to the other day for the first time since December!) and um, maybe something like self-interest.

The interesting thing is that I don't feel regret for missing out on that time...I mean, I have always kind of looked at life as you know, you've gotta do what you gotta do to keep your shit together. One of the few nonjudgmental things I took away from a dysfunctional family environment, I guess. Because that's what I saw.

Instead, I feel excitement for say, a month from now. Because I can look back on November and December and palpably feel how much things have changed. How much calmer I am, how much more I am getting done at work, how much more involved I am in the lives of my friends and family. How much more positive my attitude is and how much more open I am to possibility.

And I wonder what I will think when I look back on now. You know, later. Because sometimes NOW seems so amazing I can't really imagine that it can get just a ton better. Then I think, but NOW is better than THEN, so it's still possible.

This weekend was amazing and so much fun. I will post details later but I basically did nothing demanding or trying whatsoever. Friday I worked kind of late then went over to GTIAGO's house and we went out to dinner, then chilled at his house with some friends. He and his brother are hosting this mondo annual theme party thing this next weekend (there's teams and competitions and they actually hire "beer girls" for this thing) so there were a ton of people around planning/talking about that. Boys! So silly. Saturday we literally spent all day in downtown Denver partaking in the St. Patrick's day parade and after-festivities...bar hopping, eating and drinking way too much, and finally getting on the bus back to Boulder at 10. Sunday we vegged, went out to breakfast, then went to dinner at GTIAGO's parents house with his brother and HIS um, girl that he's dating or something. I dunno, she lives in another state and they aren't exclusive or anything but she's here for a week. It's kind of odd.

Like I said, deets later. But super chill weekend for me. How was yours?