The One Time I Will Look at Pessimism as a Postive Thing

I just had an ephiphany of sorts.

So, lately as I have been hanging out with GTIAGO more, and we aren't seeing other people, it's kind of freaking me out. I mean, even though we SAY we are trying to keep it cool and casual and not get too involved, at least until the divorce is over and I really *can,* it's obviously trending in a somewhat serious direction. Not like, moving-in-together-serious, you know, just more than casually dating.

I've been getting really nervous and uncomfortable about it, mainly because it's just such bad timing. And I feel like I am kind of a freak right now. I mean, I normally am a totally trusting and non-jealous-type person. Really. I mean, I honestly never worried about my ex cheating on me. And not because he's not super good-looking and charming and all that jazz, just because I kind of think, if someone IS going to cheat on you, what are you going to do about it? Or at least, that's how I used to think. I mean, if you find out someone is cheating, you dump their ass. Yes, it might hurt, but whatever. I kind of just think that any gain you might get from being so "on guard" and suspicious all the time is more than negated by the stress and strain and drama that kind of attitude creates in a relationship, not to mention the erosion of the other person's trust in you that occurs when you don't trust them.

Did that even make sense?

Lately I don't feel like a trusting type of person, at all. It sucks. I feel like I just need to be constantly suspicious of every little thing, so I can "catch" it if the relationship is going to go south, and bail before it gets too painful. Sad. And I know it's sad. I also know that if I don't get a grip on it, it can really fuck some stuff up. I mean, I've seen other people destroy their own relationships via such tactics, even though they were incredibly happy with the person they were with. And that's not what I want to do.

Anyway, I've been kind of worrying the concept over in my head lately, thinking about it a lot. I definitely have moments where I think, maybe I should just end this before it gets too complicated. Because I really think at this point we could still easily go our separate ways. Yes, it would sting a little, but not like it does when you are four, six, twelve months down the road, you know?

Then there's that little voice that tells me if I don't at least see what this situation has to offer, I will kick myself for the rest of my life! Dammit. Make the voices stop. Or at least agree on something...

I talked to GTIAGO about it a little last night. Basically he feels weirded out that I don't seem to really trust him, even though he's done nothing the slightest bit untrustworthy. We've had similar convos before and in the past I just always let him think I was a jealous type of person, because it seemed easier at the time than explaining all my bullshit drama and baggage. Last night I finally just broke it down for him - I just had a bad breakup and feel kind of silly for putting myself in a situation where I could have another one. And the more I hang with him, the more I like him - and the scarier that prospect becomes. So it's not him, it's me, and the timing of the situation, and all this baggage, blah blah blah.

I was talking to my BFF/roommate Tiny Panther this morning about it, we were just chatting about how hard it can be to let your guard down again after you have had a "traumatic" relationship experience. I mentioned that it's just a scary concept that in any romantic relationship, you are essentially either going to end up married (or at least commitedly partnered in some way) or break up. And there's a good chance the breakup is going to suck.

Then I realized that even if you get married, it might suck. I mean, I'm not saying my marriage sucked - there were definitely good times. But I, of all people, should know that just because something "works out," and results in some kind of long-term commitment, doesn't mean it's not going to go bad at some point.

From that perspective, it seems like I am equally likely to get screwed either way. So I may as well take the road that's the most enjoyable, right? Which is definitely continuing to hang with him and see what develops, rather than pulling out early in the interest of overactive self-preservation urges.

I realize that just sounded a little pessimistic and negative, but in a weird way, it totally helped me feel better about the situation, LOL.