Nice...

My boss talked to me about my January billing (um, it was really bad) and was really nice about it, but I am trying to bust my ass lately, hence the lack of blogging.

It's blizzarding outside. No, really. I got a shitty settlement agreement this week that I will not be signing anytime soon.

I was on three different antibiotics back in January when I was on the verge of Darth Vader death, and have had a stupid yeast infection ever since. I think it's gone, and it reappears. I took advantage of the fact that I am working from home today to go to the doctor about it for the fourth time, only to find out it's DIFLUCAN-RESISTANT YEAST! WTF. I didn't even know there was such a thing. At least I didn't pick up chlamydia or something from GTIAGO.

Things with him are going well, we even had a semi-serious "where-is-this-going-want-to-have-my-babies" talk the other day. Random. But it went well. We're still both trying to be chill and just see what happens.

I have to sign my shitty settlement agreement before I can even think about that kind of thing, anyway. Right?

The One Time I Will Look at Pessimism as a Postive Thing

I just had an ephiphany of sorts.

So, lately as I have been hanging out with GTIAGO more, and we aren't seeing other people, it's kind of freaking me out. I mean, even though we SAY we are trying to keep it cool and casual and not get too involved, at least until the divorce is over and I really *can,* it's obviously trending in a somewhat serious direction. Not like, moving-in-together-serious, you know, just more than casually dating.

I've been getting really nervous and uncomfortable about it, mainly because it's just such bad timing. And I feel like I am kind of a freak right now. I mean, I normally am a totally trusting and non-jealous-type person. Really. I mean, I honestly never worried about my ex cheating on me. And not because he's not super good-looking and charming and all that jazz, just because I kind of think, if someone IS going to cheat on you, what are you going to do about it? Or at least, that's how I used to think. I mean, if you find out someone is cheating, you dump their ass. Yes, it might hurt, but whatever. I kind of just think that any gain you might get from being so "on guard" and suspicious all the time is more than negated by the stress and strain and drama that kind of attitude creates in a relationship, not to mention the erosion of the other person's trust in you that occurs when you don't trust them.

Did that even make sense?

Lately I don't feel like a trusting type of person, at all. It sucks. I feel like I just need to be constantly suspicious of every little thing, so I can "catch" it if the relationship is going to go south, and bail before it gets too painful. Sad. And I know it's sad. I also know that if I don't get a grip on it, it can really fuck some stuff up. I mean, I've seen other people destroy their own relationships via such tactics, even though they were incredibly happy with the person they were with. And that's not what I want to do.

Anyway, I've been kind of worrying the concept over in my head lately, thinking about it a lot. I definitely have moments where I think, maybe I should just end this before it gets too complicated. Because I really think at this point we could still easily go our separate ways. Yes, it would sting a little, but not like it does when you are four, six, twelve months down the road, you know?

Then there's that little voice that tells me if I don't at least see what this situation has to offer, I will kick myself for the rest of my life! Dammit. Make the voices stop. Or at least agree on something...

I talked to GTIAGO about it a little last night. Basically he feels weirded out that I don't seem to really trust him, even though he's done nothing the slightest bit untrustworthy. We've had similar convos before and in the past I just always let him think I was a jealous type of person, because it seemed easier at the time than explaining all my bullshit drama and baggage. Last night I finally just broke it down for him - I just had a bad breakup and feel kind of silly for putting myself in a situation where I could have another one. And the more I hang with him, the more I like him - and the scarier that prospect becomes. So it's not him, it's me, and the timing of the situation, and all this baggage, blah blah blah.

I was talking to my BFF/roommate Tiny Panther this morning about it, we were just chatting about how hard it can be to let your guard down again after you have had a "traumatic" relationship experience. I mentioned that it's just a scary concept that in any romantic relationship, you are essentially either going to end up married (or at least commitedly partnered in some way) or break up. And there's a good chance the breakup is going to suck.

Then I realized that even if you get married, it might suck. I mean, I'm not saying my marriage sucked - there were definitely good times. But I, of all people, should know that just because something "works out," and results in some kind of long-term commitment, doesn't mean it's not going to go bad at some point.

From that perspective, it seems like I am equally likely to get screwed either way. So I may as well take the road that's the most enjoyable, right? Which is definitely continuing to hang with him and see what develops, rather than pulling out early in the interest of overactive self-preservation urges.

I realize that just sounded a little pessimistic and negative, but in a weird way, it totally helped me feel better about the situation, LOL.

Crazy

I've always been a little fascinated by women's reaction to the word "crazy." Mainly because I say it a lot, i.e., "that's soooooo crazy" or "you're crazy, girl." There's a lot of baggage associated with that word for a lot of people. Don't believe me? Make it part of your general vocabulary and stand back as women will react to a seemingly innocuous comment by turning red and saying something along the lines of, "what? Me? Did you just call ME crazy? How is that crazy?"

Some are more defensive than others. And I have a theory about it, that I posted on my old blog at one point. Basically that guys are hardwired to tell women they are crazy anytime we call them out for some bullshit. You see your guy at the club with some blonde rubbing all over his ass? (Yes, this really happened to me.) If you call him out, and he's a douche like the guy was that did that to me, I guarantee you he will say something like, "you're crazy, that girl was just a friend." Um. Okay.

I'm not trying to say all guys are manipulative jerks, here, just that I kind of consider the "crazy" line to be a generic, all-encompassing fallback for guys who don't want to deal with the realities and emotions of being in a committed relationship. When the woman's expectations differ from the man's, often the woman gets labeled as the crazy one for desiring what would otherwise be totally normal behavior on the part of someone you call your "boyfriend."

And some girls have been told this enough that they are sensitive and overreactive about the word itself, as I mentioned in the first paragraph. One thing I will say for my ex, he never really pulled the crazy card. Even when I was acting, well, somewhat crazy, say during trial preparation. But I do remember him mentioning that HIS ex was one of the sensitive ones...so much so that when he would teasingly sing "Crazy Mary" by Big Head Todd to her, she would react to it.

Which finally brings me to my point. Gah I am such a rambler. So Sunday night, GTIAGO and Tiny Panther and her boyfriend and I cooked dinner together, right, and just chilled at the house. Tiny Panther was in the shower, her boyfriend was upstairs, and GTIAGO were just sitting for a minute in the kitchen, talking. I had gotten all of our ingredients out and we had just poured some drinks. I was telling some random story and at the end, he said, "you're so crazy," then quickly backtracked, "I mean, you're not REALLY crazy, I was just saying like, the story was crazy...I definitely don't think you're crazy, just so you know."

In my mind, I was thinking the following: "wow, he's definitely experienced the girl who's defensive about the word crazy, huh?!" Amused, I said something along the lines of, "well, that's good, I mean, if you really thought I was legitimately crazy, that might be a problem for us."

Then I sat for a minute, thinking, but would it be? I mean, if he was serious, like, he really just told me he thought I was being crazy about something, would it matter? What would I do? Would I change my reaction, however crazy it may have been? Probably not. I would probably just take that as a sign that I should move on down the road and find a guy who didn't think I was crazy. And isn't that like, the number one mistake we make in partnering up? Instead of seeing the little signs along the way that scream to us that we're not compatible, and moving on to someone we might actually BE compatible with, do we instead hope the other person will see things OUR way? Will someday change and "get" us and we'll live happily ever after?

Or was that just me, LOL? Personally, I think THAT is the craziest thing...the mindset that somehow, someone else will be "it" for us, and that if they really care about us and love us, things will work out. Sometimes they just won't. And I have a waaaaaaay different attitude about compatibility and relationships now than I did even just six months ago. You would have thought I would have learned my lesson from the blonde ass-rubber (haha, ass rubber) but it appears it took me about five years more to figure it out. So, that's my deep thought for the day.

Totally off-topic, but how cute is it that GTIAGO texted me about 10:30 last night "kisses, gangsta!" Ohmifreakingah. I'm pretty sure it's cute guy speak for "thinking of you, goodnight," or something.